I Am Not A Failure

So I have  tough time with failure. I hate to fail. I hate failing so much that I’ll change the rules or get out of the game to avoid it.  But it’s on my mind today. Heavy.  I will not fail.

Sad person
Am I a failure

This isn’t even what I’d planned to speak about today. Honestly. I came to the  table planning to write about super stinky poop and how Peppermint Essential Oil can save the day (and your nose) as it did for me recently at work. But that’s another blogpost and something else was weighing me down.

Feeling disappointed
Disappointment

You know how for the sake of posting on social media, we like to give the days of the week fancy names? As if by doing that it makes Tuesday any less Tuesday.  It doesn’t. It’s still the day after Monday and the day before Wednesday but calling it “transformation Tuesday” with a hastag gives us a reason to post about it. Otherwise it’s just, well, Tuesday.

I wanted to put something clever on IG, and being Tuesday I wanted to make sure I was up with the cool kids and give it a name. “Transformation Tuesday must have a bazillion gazillion hashtags so I thought, nah, I need a different name.

I’ve just come from the gym where I’m still dealing with a major disappointment in my own lack of “sticktoitiveness” (yes, it’s a word if it’s your own word and it’s on your own blog. Just sayin’.), so I thought “Truthful Tuesday” or “Look  at yourself in the mirror and be honest Tuesday.” Then it hit me. That was it. That’s what today’s blog post is going to be about. Truth.

Feeling failure
Feeling failure

Last month, March 20th, I set a fitness goal for myself. I was going to complete 30 workouts in 30 days. I would be in the gym 7 days a week for 30 days and if I could not get there by some act of the Almighty (His name is Jesus btw, you’re welcome), I would walk for an hour outside. Anything to Just. Keep. Moving.

April 4th was a Tuesday

April 4th was a Tuesday (good grief there it is again) and my Daughter’s Birthday. The plan for the day was to take my grandson to shop for a gift for Mom, take a hour walk, and later that night the birthday dinner. Here’s a tip: don’t make plans like that. Ever. Nothing goes as planned. Nothing.  The shopping was a success but by the time I got home I was dreadfully ill.

Long story even longer, food poisoning. So sick. No walk, no dinner, no big day. Ugh. That was day #16 and I failed to keep my momentum. Day #17 was better but weak from the day before so again, I didn’t make it to the gym, and no walk. Failure #2.

Back in the gym on Thursday and the support was overwhelming. Everyone I talked to agreed. Get back on the horse and keep moving forward. It was a hiccup. No catastrophe.  Do NOT let it derail the effort. The following Sunday, Monday and Tuesday (who knew?!) were a wash. No gym, no walk. No good reason. Fail. Fail. Fail. By this time I’d missed a week. 5 days out of 30. That’s more than just hopping back on the horse.  Now I’ve missed the road and need to find a new path to get to my goal.  I. Have. Failed.

One Day at the Gym…

I really believed that until today. Another Tuesday. I was at the gym after my 12 hour nightshift, doing my thing but feeling a shift in mood. Something was off. Different. The game had changed. Even though I did keep going, it didn’t seem to mean anything this time. After all, why get excited? It’s not like I’m going to stay the course or stick to my goals or anything. It’s my M.O. It’s what I do. I get so far then I quit. I fail.

This time there’s no one asking “how many days is it today Deb?” No, “You’re rockin’ this thing Deb, keep it up.” I’ve not only lost the faith of those around me but I’ve lost faith in myself. Ok wait. Stop. (insert conversation cloud, lightbulb overhead, flashing lights and knockout bell ringing) I AM NOT A FAILURE!!! Wait, what?! I’m not?  NO!, I am not!

I Am Not A Failure (and neither are you)

If we fail at something, does that make US a FAILURE? If I take a test whose passing grade is 88 and I score 86, I failed the test. But does that make me a FAILURE? If I have to be at a meeting at noon and I arrive at 12:10 I have FAILED to be on time. But, am I as a person, a failure? Absolutely not. I/we, can fail at something and not BE a Failure.

freedom
freedom

Freedom! Liberation! That cloud that followed me to the gym this morning is busted. I am the only person that matters in this. As long as I am honest with myself. The only ones that even need to know that I’ve started over is me and my Trainer. Ah, my Trainer. I can honestly say that I’ve been as big a disappointment to him as I have been to myself.  Only because he wants to see me succeed and reach my goals and I seem hell bent on self sabotage.

So from today, I will forge forward, head held high and strike through as many days on the calendar at the gym as I can. Between you and me, I want to get that 30 in 30! But I’m not telling anyone this time. It’s personal.  And if I fail to meet that deadline in 30 days, I will have failed to meet the deadline But “I” will not be a failure. Maybe it’s Transformation Tuesday after all.

Love on yourselves today. Give yourself a hug. Engage in acts of kindness to the one so often neglected…YOU. Hey, it’s Tuesday. Be Transformed!

We did it
We did it
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